You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
