The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
In other news, I just burned my penis
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
