One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
