wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
