Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
