it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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