I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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