why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
