you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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