I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
