meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
