What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
