My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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