you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
