first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
