Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
