If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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