I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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