I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
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