I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
