Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
ttyl tear gas
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Randomize
