A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
His nipple licking is glorious
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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