Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
