Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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