I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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