this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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