break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
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Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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