I CAN MOONWALK!
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
