I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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