I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
