Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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