it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
