tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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