youre lurking in front of me
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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