she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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