it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
