"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
