Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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