i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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