Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
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I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
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When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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