What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
