Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
