Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
