Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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