Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
