I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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