Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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