Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
