I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
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I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
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So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
soo... how was my night?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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