WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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