I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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