Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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