I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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